The Reality TV Circus Sideshow

   The lines have blurred for me. I don't know whether the News or Reality shows are freaking me out more lately. It used to be the News with endless stories of death, destruction, suffering and scary politicians. Though I've got to admit recent stories about Iran's nuclear program, Israel's 'get-em-first' tough talk and the GOP candidates trying to drag the U-S back into the 1950's has me chewing my nails again. 

   Then along comes this Reality show "My Strange Addiction". I realize its already in its third season, but I think the promo for "Drinks Gasoline" finally cut through to my TV-numbed cerebral cortex. It featured this girl chugging what appeared to be gasoline straight from one of those red plastic gas containers. After that I started looking into past programs and found titles like "Drinks Nail Polish", "Eats Dirt", "Roadkill Addict" and the creme de la creme.."Urine Drinker". It's as if the 'freaks' that once populated the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow in the 1990's escaped and are now doing their bizarre acts for this show..and that's what Jim's people did.. "acts." Jim once sat next to me in the old CITI-FM studio at Polo Park and ate a light bulb, after warming up by pushing a teaspoon up his nose. Jim was showman. We were all aware that the things he and his colleagues did in the "Sideshow" were acts; carefully orchestrated routines that Jim himself said they had practiced over and over again. Seriously, the guy who could lift weights with his scrotum had practiced first..and practiced very, very carefully.  

      So, is the gasoline chick on "Strange Addiction" putting on a show for the cameras? Maybe. Is her addiction for real? Maybe. Am I totally freaked out by her licking her fingers after gassing up her car? Oh yeah!  I guess that's mission accomplished for "Strange Addiction"..the latest in the crop of  Reality TV circus sideshows. 

I'm sad; must buy something!

   I get asked this question a lot, and by a lot I mean very infrequently.."Harry, what's the secret to your seemingly happy life?". The answer is simple: money. Money buys you virtually everything - food, clothing, gas and most importantly..love. It's the very breath of life, especially if you need a ventilator after spending your money smoking all those delicious cigarettes for decades. Yup, money helps me through all the low points in my life. 

    If I happen to fall out of a relationship; which seems to be happening more frequently - must work more on obvious charms..fuck the deep meaningful, thoughtful shit; I turn to spending money. Can buying your way out of a depressing situation work? Hell ya! But remember to spend relative to the depth of your sadness. Don't blow your wad immediately because things can always get worse. For example if a two-year relationship ends..you buy yourself a gym membership. If a fifteen year relationship ends..you get yourself a drum kit, join a rock band, and travel to Thailand for a month where nightly you can create multi-layered sex sandwiches. Your money can't keep you warm at night, but three talented professional women sure can..and you can't get that freaky without a little cash. 

     But all this happiness you deserve means you need a good supply of money to buy it. You can earn it the old-fashioned way by working, or you can earn it the other old-fashioned way by stealing it..or you can even inherit it..but the fastest way to increase your supply of money and your joy is to gamble for it. Football, hockey, basketball, even Nascar provides plenty of opportunities to build up your store of beautiful life-giving money. Then you take those winnings and sink them into pocketfuls of Lotto-Max tickets, and when you win that - and it's only a matter of time - you'll never again need to build relationships..they'll come knocking on your door. Friends forever brought to you by sweet, sweet money. Now go get yourself some!